Happy Birthday!

Hello from Gail. I've been rather out of it lately. Having neck surgery Nov. 8 and am trying to work as much as possible to afford the time off (I only work p/t). Days are filled with pain, nights are often sleepless and it's been a struggle. But, God is good & He sustains me. He refreshes me, uplifts me, walks with me and often carries me. Yes, in my life, I'm sure I'd look back at the end to see one set of footprints. My Lord is so loving in spite of my unloveliness. He's intimately close to me even when I forget to include Him in my day. His forgiveness is a gift I can never truly appreciate this side of heaven. I need this operation because I fell backwards off a stool onto a concrete floor. My doctors & physical therapist all told me that angels must have broken my fall. This past weekend I heard of a woman whose husband (my age) had a very similar fall; and she buried him on Monday. So, I've been thanking God for the pain every day because He spared me and I am here to feel that pain. It's actually helped me to get through a very stressful, busy week. Don't know why I'm surprised. I shouldn't be. His goodness and mercy never fail. I am so glad. Hope you are doing well.

Trying to face this fear isn't easy. I believe the reason God has connected us in this format is to help me. The fear I feel some days finds me falling to sleep shaking and tears welling up. When I wake up those days my chest is full of sweat, almost like my heart is crying. Some days the words come easily in my head, others they ring with guilt and pain.
When my ever goes somewhere I have to tell her I love her and be careful. It's almost a paralyzing fear some days. If she goes shopping and says she'll be back in a couple of hours, I start to panic inside. I don't allow myself to be real close to many people. I love teaching and helping out with the 1st through 5th graders at my church, I enjoy posting what I see as evil and corruption in this nation, I enjoy watching lots of tv, for the entertainment value and the emptiness it fills day to day. I thank you for your input and advice. I also remember you saying you have written books. Part of my fear would also be putting myself out there, warts and all! I feel that is necessary with what I am doing and calling out. Part of my dreams have even given me the title of the book, and events in history and government have given me a connection that brings it all together...it's just hard to put into words. I have the feelings, I have the connection....but writing them down...well, one minute I have a message and complete clarity of what I'm thinking, then...poof! It just disappears. That drives me nuts! Anyways thanks for listening. God Bless.

Haven't friended anyone yet as this is new to me as well. But thanks for friending me. Read you last comment on forum and I must say, I am encouraged. Hallelujah!

I've been doing a lot of thinking lately.Some days I feel motivated to write my book, and other days I just want to forget it.I feel like God is sometimes rapping his fingers on a table patiently waiting on me.I hear inspirational stories that pump me up,and days later I talk myself out of motivation.I play my past like a movie in my head, with both happy thoughts and many that stop me cold in my tracks.I go down the the basement every day to empty out the dehumidifier,and as I walk up and down the red and blue floral carpeted steps my thoughts go to my father and the last time I saw him go up these same steps, then...POOF...he was gone. I've carried the guilt, pain and tears in my heart for over 30 years. I can visualize all of that day, over and over and over as a walk up those stairs, day after day. I feel my inner grinch starting to work its way out, which happens this time of year. It all starts with my birthday, which I don't want to celebrate and don't want anything...although my mom insists we go out to dinner to celebrate. Then November and Thanksgiving, which has never been Thanksgiving after my 15th birthday...and doesn't pass until after Christmas. I put on a false happy face, and have gotten to be a pretty good faker of my feelings. I don't ask for anything for Christmas...nor want anything. I've always been afraid of my own shadow and don't converse much with many, except by what I type on my keyboard. I could go in deeper with my actions I took when I was younger...and not so long ago, but that is something I only have shared with two people not in my family. I don't want to hurt my mom, or cause her any pain with her taking on the roll of dual parent. I did a lot of stupid things when I was younger and would never want her to know. I guess that is why I'm torn in writing my book. Going any deeper hurts, I'm not sure if you understand where I'm coming from. Some days I can feel God holding me, and others it feel like He's nudging me, ever so gently.

I didn't startout like this. I was a goofy kid and strange. I read the Bible a lot. I took notes in church and got excited when I heard Gods Word. I used part of my allowance to tithe (though I though bubblegum and baseball cards was a better use for my money) and I bought tracts that I passed out,mostly I left in bathrooms, school rooms, on bus, in some lockers and to those who wanted them. I hated school. I had three bullies on my street who chased me, threatened me, hit me, etc. I learned to run away and turn the other cheek...which usually had me even afraid to go outside some days. I had one of the bullies brother, who was younger,asking questions about God. His family were atheists, but he wanted to know. I had church serves on my families carport and I'd ask my father for the answers.He gave me his Bible, which had a glossary. What I didn't realize was he was going home to share what I told him with his family. The next day both he and his brother (one of the bullies) came over for Bible study. He mocked me, interrupted me..and finally threw a rock at me. I picked up that rock and chased him to his house. I was so enraged, I didn't even realize I had run to his front door, with his dad right there.His dad grabbed me and started cussing at me. I got away and he chased me. I didn't even realize my father saw the whole thing. I ran inside and snuck to the dinning room window. My father listened as this man jumped up and down like a mad man. Finally my dad had enough and pointed at him and said one thing. The man turned away and walked off. I never knew what he said, and was sure I was a dead man. He did nothing. That was the last time I had church on my carport, but I increased the bullies to 4 with my actions that day. I sometimes wonder what might have happened if I had handled it differently.

Yes, I've already done a cursory search of your web site and love the article "Why Obama got elected." I would be most willing to pray for your ministry. I have been praying for Revival in our nation as well. I have saved your site in my Favs & will continue to dig deeper into what you are doing, what you have to offer, what you need. Thank you for the opportunity to make a difference by uplifting your important ministry. God bless.

I accepted your friend request and am wondering what happens now; why were you interested in befriending me? I am hoping to find a local Black Robe paster/minister so I can sit under his/her teaching. I believe that my patriotism IS a part of my Christianity; yet I struggle to find the balance & to stay focused. Looking forward to growing stronger, wiser and more confident. Wanting to make a difference and striving to keep America from falling "on my watch."

I must have gone into shock, because time stood still in my head, but not on the wall. Hours later, as my cousins, aunts and uncles tried to say, “Everything will be okay”, my mom came home. As I was summoned, I felt like a deathrow inmate on his long walk to meet his executioner and Maker, as I slowly entered my mom’s and
father’s bedroom. “Honey, He’s gone”, was all my mom could say as I ran bolting from the room and her. I ran past my uncle’s outstretched hands, through my cousin’s, sisters and aunts to the back yard. I ran down to the back fence and overed my face with my hands and pulled my legs in, like a ball. I cried an inner and outer loss that neither comforted nor consoled me.
...That is one page I wrote.
I've always been the one who listened to other peoples problems, and tried to help. I always wished to find someone, like myself, to talk to. I remember people saying, "I don't know why I'm telling you this...which really freaked me out, because it happened so much. I know there are reasons why we get introduced or meet someone new. Case in point, our connection. I believe God made this connection, and where it leads to I'm not sure, because of my fears and lack of confidence...to say the least. I pray God shares with me His plan and grants me the wisdom of discernment.